Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day at seminary]

PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices

ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns

PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*

[Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

If a snake ate a cake

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

This is painfully accurate 😅

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison

Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!

My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.