Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

time for some seasonal decor

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

*putting a top hat on my dog*

Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school

Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

me: *making sandcastles with my sister*

my mom: *takes away the urn*

BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it

My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

[Doctor’s Office]

Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….

Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!

DR DOG: You’re joking, right?

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

“Dad, what’s a forklift?”

“Food, usually.”

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

Hmmmmm