Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

me: *knocks on door* are you naked?

boss: just come in!

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day

ME: Thanks boss!

BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘

15: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me

A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.

For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.