Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?

[doing group photography]

ME: now let me take one without the flash

THE FLASH: what the-

REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

In truth, spiders are harmless*

*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.

Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶

Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?

Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!

I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.