Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
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Childbirth is so beautiful
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
me 2 months after i graduated
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper