Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
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Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.