Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

ALIEN: What is “January”?

ME: That’s a month… named after a god

ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god

ME: Actually, he was a Roman

ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman

ME: Actually, that named after a number

ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10

ME: Actually, 8

ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball

“I bumped into your wife yesterday”

“Oh, where?”

“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”

“Yes”

“Opposite that café”

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

Vet: We have to put his dog down

Assistant: You tell him

Vet: No, you

Assistant: You!

Vet: YOU!

John Wick: What are you two whispering about?

My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…

Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.

I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”

Science is fun!

#nottrue

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.

Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.

Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.