Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”

Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.

ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts

when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week

You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On

clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note

You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.

*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*

[cries for 20 minutes]

checking out some reviews of my local library

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*