Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?

Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”

Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

Looking good, Kim! #LNSM

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.

My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”

They were going to a funeral.

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?

the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram

there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops

BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?

ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…