GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
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7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
not seeing the problem
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant