GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
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Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Don’t make me out nice you.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*