Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out

Saturday

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.

It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use

why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan

Cat:

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty

[Me watching football on TV]

Oh man this reminds me of high school

Her: you played football in high school?

Me: no, I watched TV