GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
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My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Mhm.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert