Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.

family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly

Disgusting if literal: Liverpool

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship

My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*

Person: So, what’s your favourite book?

Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.

Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.

My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.

Me:

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.