Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!

We will we will drink you

STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!

*pours vodka after bad day*

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

They say all good things must come to an end…

After 7 wonderful years of marriage…

I walked in on my wife…

Watching Twilight..

What is a magic bullet?

A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*

A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.