Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.

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Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.


I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house


There’s nothing more pathetic than asking a random woman if she’ll sleep with you unless it works because then you’re a genius.


My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age


ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn


*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”


I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself


*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*


After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.


The 1st to apologize is the bravest. The 1st to forgive, the strongest. The 1st to forget, the happiest.nnThe first to kill the other, WINS.