@mimicz

Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

@dfaber84

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

@just1fool

There’s nothing more pathetic than asking a random woman if she’ll sleep with you unless it works because then you’re a genius.

@really10months

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

@panmidwest

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

@Tommytoughstuff

*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”

@dumbbeezie

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

@jonnysun

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

@Jazzzzzmina

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.

@Ms_Moneypenny_

The 1st to apologize is the bravest. The 1st to forgive, the strongest. The 1st to forget, the happiest.nnThe first to kill the other, WINS.