Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
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A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.