Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.

Dr.: Very well. Just relax..

*puts bow on Pacman’s head

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

Not today

In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.

My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.

“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”

Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?

Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is problematic

me: then maybe give me a different word

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period

There is no “we” in chocolate.

I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

Remember friend.

A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.

After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!

Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

What do you call someone who chews all day?

A train

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.