Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.

Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.

Well, I WAS having a nice day.

[looking at family picture]

Me: Such good times

3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic

Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning

friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out

me: old?

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.

Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say

[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]

“I brought chicken”