Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

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I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.


“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa” – the soundtrack to every Middle Eastern scene in every Hollywood movie.


I’m so broke right now, if my gf leaves me for a richer person I’m going with them -__-


Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.


You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.


My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”


Apparently asking the boss ” who ignited the fuse on your tampon?” will get you sent to HR.


No, I’m not “lackadaisical”, I’m lazy, which is the same only 3 whole syllables less.