@marknorm

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

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@SuperJuanderer

If I was a villain, I would follow superheroes to their normal human interviews for jobs & note what they answer as their biggest weaknesses

@Kauaibride

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

@chuuew

ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock

RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?

ME: No. I need it for work

@BigHeb7

I just saw three dudes wearing denim shirts with denim jeans. Who’s responsible for this shit? Canada? Was it you, Canada?

@TimBarnes451

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

@MikeMcNeil_

Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.

@bromanconsul

met the cutest girl today. her eyes were gentle, like the light from a phone screen and her smile glowed, like the light from a phone screen

@elunatyk

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

@chuuew

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.