Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

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If I was a villain, I would follow superheroes to their normal human interviews for jobs & note what they answer as their biggest weaknesses


settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids


ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock

RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?

ME: No. I need it for work


I just saw three dudes wearing denim shirts with denim jeans. Who’s responsible for this shit? Canada? Was it you, Canada?


So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?


Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.


met the cutest girl today. her eyes were gentle, like the light from a phone screen and her smile glowed, like the light from a phone screen


Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.


The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.