Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
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Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”