@marknorm

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

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@RidiculousSheri

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

@kumailn

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa” – the soundtrack to every Middle Eastern scene in every Hollywood movie.

@Vj_Phresh

I’m so broke right now, if my gf leaves me for a richer person I’m going with them -__-

@alicewhitey

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

@Grabnpuss

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

@2questionable

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

@lovemyboots111

Apparently asking the boss ” who ignited the fuse on your tampon?” will get you sent to HR.

@SaraMansford

No, I’m not “lackadaisical”, I’m lazy, which is the same only 3 whole syllables less.