Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?

i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it

If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.

If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.

everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks

february: no

My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.

Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake

Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

Mugger: Give me your money

Me: Get ready to see some karate!

Mugger: Oh yeah?

Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.

I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?

“Sure”[click]

Couple: How does it look?

“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume