Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

date: what do you do for a living?

me: i make trojan horses

date: that’s not what i’d expect

me: yah that’s the idea

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.

Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.

[on phone with quit smoking coach]

coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills

me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1

coach: that’s great! what is it?

me: being awake

Peter Parker Peter Driver

“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there

“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”

– The AutocorrExorcist

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.