Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

Jogging

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

[aquarium]

me: look at the chorse

wife: it’s seahorse

me: i know how to spell chorse linda

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

Dodgeball in gym class…

because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period

I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

“My safe word was Worcestershire.”

— A ghost

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over

This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.