Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???

If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.

looking at weird sushi roll names and uh

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

4yo: fold me like a towel

Me: what?

4yo: FOLD ME

Me: okaaay

4yo: stack me on top of the towels

Me: what?

4yo: STACK ME

Parenthood is wild

I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send

haha same

My dating profile:

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…

*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!

ㅤ

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.

At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.

Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.

I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?