Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

🤣

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera!

[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

Me: *finishes up dinner date*

Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful

Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one

*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*

Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.

Depth Metal

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you

Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.

[couples therapy]

Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…

Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…

My favorite farside!!

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

Stand by me.

I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.

[Facebook Marketplace]

Me: Selling this guitar amp.

Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.

Me: How does this make sense in your head?