[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
You Might Also Like
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he’s going to the clinic for a ‘work related’ injury.
Wife: I told you to slow down.
Cop: License & registration, please.
Wife (opens glovebox): Divorce papers?
Me: Look underneath them.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I wonder which lie came first: “Oops, wrong hole!” or “That’s never happened before!”?
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
PARTY GUEST: So, how did you two meet?
HUSBAND: Oh, it’s a bit of a fairytale, right darling?
[wife is clearly a wolf in a dress]