@FeelingEuphoric

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

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@Elizasoul80

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

@turtledumplin

Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he’s going to the clinic for a ‘work related’ injury.

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: I told you to slow down.

Cop: License & registration, please.

Wife (opens glovebox): Divorce papers?

Me: Look underneath them.

@kristiffy

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

@thedad

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

@Eightinchgoat

I wonder which lie came first: “Oops, wrong hole!” or “That’s never happened before!”?

@DBStoner

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

@AmericanGent69

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

@_GrahamPatrick

PARTY GUEST: So, how did you two meet?
HUSBAND: Oh, it’s a bit of a fairytale, right darling?
[wife is clearly a wolf in a dress]
WIFE: Yes.