Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

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My wife once told me ” Mike you’re the only man who ever gave me multiple orgasms”, which pissed me off because my names not Mike


I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET


Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.


Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”


The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.


Me: What do you want for breakfast?


Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?


[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*


“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”

“piles of health that is! LOL”

“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”


Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.