@Sophie2078

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

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@Xalqee

My wife once told me ” Mike you’re the only man who ever gave me multiple orgasms”, which pissed me off because my names not Mike

@jimmytorosian

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

@lloydrang

Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

@philboringphil

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

@daemonic3

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

@moooooog35

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

@Thynebear

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

@Fred_Delicious

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”

“piles of health that is! LOL”

“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

@omgthatspunny

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.