Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
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Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
termite twitter scares me
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Customer is always right
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.