Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
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Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos