Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
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Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Counting your noodles demonstrates an affinity for ramen numerals.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face