Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
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Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
How does one answer this?
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.