Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
You Might Also Like
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
But I really needed water water water
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo