Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

is it earth

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.

He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

that lip filler tho

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”

SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO

*ring bearer vomits*

Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers