Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brain: that was a good cookie

Body: here’s 4 pounds

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

I don’t care what the scale says.

I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.

Me: *Sweeping*

Wife: Excuse me

Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS

Wife: …

Me: That’s from lord of

Wife: MOVE!

Me: *Moves*

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die

When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.

*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette

Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…

Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??

*apocalypse happens*

My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?

Me: No place has any wifi.

My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie

GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave

Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.