Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st day as IT guy]

CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?

ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied

Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.

Partner: One of us?

Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.

ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*

ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.

If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

I’m a bad influence on myself.

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.

I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me

[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi