Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.

Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips

If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.

Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.

Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

[canadians at you, canadianly]

My dog ate my work from home.

bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”

dude was born in 2018.

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.

Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?

Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*

Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!

Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!