Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.

A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.

2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.

Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

Me: Where were you supposed to poop?

2-year-old: The potty.

Me: So why didn’t you?

2: I’m too busy.

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET

your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone

Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.

ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

True dat! 😂😂😂😂

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line