Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
You Might Also Like
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
🐟✨ #re4
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat