Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
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recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.