Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*

The cashier just checked me out.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

[after sex]

Her: *lights up smoke*

Me: *unwraps toothpick*

I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.

Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.

My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka

Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”

Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

“That’s what” – She

I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha