Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.

ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?

unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?

dm celine dion, please.

Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.

No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

What the hell is going on in that bathroom?

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal

*calls in the SWAT team*

cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys

Dear Stephen Hawking,

You’re not the boss of us.

Sincerely,
hawks

I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

Me: The doctor said that because of the anesthesia, I should just lay around all day reading and watching Saved by the Bell

TwinzerMom: Wasn’t it just a local anesthetic?

Me: I mean, I’m not the one with the medical degree, so who am I to question?

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.