guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
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nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler