Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
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I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*