Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.

*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*

in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…

our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

Anaesthetist: Count back from 10

Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

What’s the point buying it then?

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.

Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time