Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.

If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

much to think about

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies

Mom: Where are you?

Me: Mumbai

Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!

*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation

Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy

ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant

Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.