Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!

Computer: [down]

Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket

me: stop calling me names!

bully: shut up names

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

Me: We need some ham.

Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.

Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?

*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”

Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.

[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.

@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

Become ungovernable.

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school

Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:

I’m mad and sad and doing very bad