Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

no

Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?

Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

hair coloring options for women:

out of a box = $12.99

going to a hair salon = $7,000

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.

*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”