Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

This bar smells like my childhood.

Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

[date]

“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek

A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”

I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.

Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.

Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?

Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls

My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.

NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.

Brilliant!

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter