@Reverend_Scott

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

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@PostCultRev

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

@DurtMcHurtt

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

@workisafuck

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.

@bylinetd

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

@kwkorpi

B2….

or not B2…

That might be the number.

–Shakespearean Bingo Caller

@TheBoydP

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

@VocabuLarry

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

@hasht4g

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.