All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
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Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Some people think I’m an uncultured lout but it’s not true. For example, I know the 5-second rule on dropped food does not apply to soup.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
Need I say more?
Sex is a lot like chess. It takes strategy, patience, there’s a horse there, the queen is watching.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt