[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
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Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?
Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?