[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
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My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.