Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
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I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
