Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.

Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”

Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?

Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?

As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell

My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.

When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery

,,,and send

“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.

*Now with 50 percent less fat*

Me: ooooh *buys two*

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.

Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

Me *has read one book all year*

Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books

just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢