Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone

her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.

Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.

Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.

I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.

My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.

*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.

Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

fair

Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell