Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.

Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?

Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!

Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?

Me: Buy stuff

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life

Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals

[first date]

Him: I live with my mom.

Me: Living or dead?

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

BISON DAD: good bye, son.

BISON SON: thank you, dad.

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.