Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip

One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

When he asks for feet pics

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

amazon: your order has been placed

me: great thanks

amazon: your order is being prepared

me: cool

amazon: your order is being put in the truck

me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step

amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt

These are too funny not to post 😂

A decision was made here.

Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.

One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

I may have bags under my eyes, but they’re Versace.

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages

Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”

Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’

Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.