Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

That’s enough internet for the day

When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?

*I need to eat better*

post donut clarity

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero

The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.

*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question

Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.

I just tested negative for patience.

so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.

They called him… The Juggler

After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.

If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more