I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
You Might Also Like
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
Sir, please leave.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
It’s so cold in south florida, I just saw an iguana kill a squirrel and use it as a scarf.
judas: this could’ve been an email