@nevels_kendyle

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

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@Mom_Overboard

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

@Swishergirl24

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

@lecalabara

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

@OneFunnyMummy

Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.

@iamspacegirl

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.

@GrowlyGrego

Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.

@TheAlexNevil

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

@HatfieldAnne

Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.

@globetrottgirl

It’s so cold in south florida, I just saw an iguana kill a squirrel and use it as a scarf.