Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
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Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
guys I’m going home
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call