Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dr: we had to remove your colon

me why

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it

4:09am, June 14, 2029: no

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.

Me: A problem shared is half solved.

Invigilator: sit in the front.

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.

Problem solved.

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.

A sick whale is called an unwhale

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.