Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.

My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum

(Hugging)

Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?

Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.

Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.

Him:

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

[giving a eulogy for my doctor]

ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!

Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact

“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”

SURE!

…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?

Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?