@OfficialMizGin

Guy in the club: *lifts up his shirt* I do 400 crunches a day.

Me: How many more until you get a personality?

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@stillwondering1

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

@AbbieEvansXO

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

@platinum2000

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No

@bobvulfov

doctor: and are u sexually active

puppet: he is not

doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth

me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not

@Gooooats

Nothing is more terrifying than hearing your wife yelling at your kids about something only to have them respond, “but dad said we could!”

@thepaulasuzanne

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

@AbbyHasIssues

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

@Zambah_

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

@causticbob

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

@jctwritesstuff

Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?