Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
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In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.