Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
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Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
some Old Testament wisdom
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.