Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

Nose

The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

Current mood: Potato

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.

Write his name in the cheese.

Leave it on his porch.

His wife is home.

Write hers too.

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.

shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me

me: the best things in life are free!

lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”

8: “That’s not a real year.”

I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.