Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
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Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
problems i need
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them