guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
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Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?