Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me in hospital bed]

My wife: How is he?

Dr: He was dead for 15m

Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

why is everyone yelling about nude ears

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

Every Law & Order episode should end with:

“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

Nose

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*

Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.

Me: i need a copy of this key.

hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.

me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….

freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE

Review for this new shatter I just tried:

Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.

Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.

She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.

Surgery didn’t go well.

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.