guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
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this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!