guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
