guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Pass gas, not judgment.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
*jazz hands*
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
