guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
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“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”