I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
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What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”