Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

dream blunt rotation

If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

Be the change you want to see in the world!

Me: *goes back to bed

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.

It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you

ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.

47 years ago today, Soap debuted.

We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.

This scene. 😂😂😂

Everyone is getting idioter.

“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.

Me: That’s a cam-

Wife: …

Me: Yes. Yes they do.

Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

Meeeee too!

It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?