guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
You Might Also Like
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.