guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
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If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.