guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
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All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything