Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”

Worth remembering.

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags

me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis

AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

“Nom nom nom”

– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food

Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*

White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?

dora:

boots:

backpack:

the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.