guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
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What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
He took my last fry, your honor
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.