guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
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You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.