Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
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meanwhile over on facebook
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
yall want some gasoline milk
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or