Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
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vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)